I know that I would be bigger and more successful than I am today if it wasn’t for my being shy, and my lack of self-esteem holding me back. Being shy was cute when I was dough-eyed and could barely pronounce words with more than three syllables.
But now that I’m older, it has done nothing except rob me of experiences that could’ve potentially changed my life. The worst part is that even if I’m aware of this fact, I can’t bring myself to turn off the switch.
My shyness has become part of me.
When I was growing up, I was that kid who would barely say a peep. My teachers would always tell my mom that they wished I was noisier in class. It came to the point that my mom didn’t even have to go to these meetings because she knew that was all they were going to say about me.
I told myself that it was because the other kids intimidated me — that I didn’t really get along with my classmates because they were as loud and proud as a blinking neon sign.
To add to that, I didn’t have the looks, talent, nor interests that the “cool people” had growing up. So when you were that easy to bully, it was better to keep quiet instead of ruffling anyone’s feathers.
But as I started to become confident of who I was as a person, I realized that it wasn’t the other people suppressing my voice.
It’s the demon inside my head that keeps telling me it’s better to shut up and stay in my own comfort zone.
The worst part about being shy is that it can attack you out of nowhere! I can do all the motivational inner monologues and power poses I want, but the anxiety that comes with being shy will just keep coming back.
This can manifest itself in a lot of ways like bumbling like an idiot in front of a crowd or pretending not to hear or read something that was sent to me. It’s not like I don’t know what to say, but I just can’t bring myself to spit it out.
And that is what’s so frustrating!
People don’t realize that every time I have to put myself out there, it literally drains so much of my physical and mental energy. I could present my ideas to the same people a thousand times, but still get the jitters by the 1001st time.
The “shy attacks” just come during the absolute worst times… the times when I have to be at the top of your game.
Being shy means saying no to amazing possibilities because of fear. Honestly, I get so upset when I look back at all the times I had refused to take on something just because I was a dangerous combination of shy and afraid.
During the rare moments that life has passed me the ball, I just stand there and feel so… small. Before I know it, my mind has already created infinite imaginary scenarios that all end with my inevitable failure. So instead of running with it, I simply throw it back at life.
Then there are times where I know what I need to do to get ahead.
Unfortunately, that path is filled with having to deal with other people which I just can’t do without getting a heart attack. Just thinking of reaching out to strangers or any living creature is something that I find difficult to do because of the fear that I have planted in my brain.
I know that I can achieve my goals and how to reach them if only I wasn’t an overthinker. If I could learn how to shut off my brain for a while, I swear I would be so much better off.
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to do something but someone swoops in to finish the job because you just sat there and did nothing? Well, welcome to the club!
A lot of times, I’ve watched as other people have taken an opportunity that was right in front of me. An opportunity that I wanted.
Instead of taking it for myself, I constantly let fear and anxiety get the best of me. I mean even if I wanted to, I can’t blame anybody but myself for that.
And there comes a point in life where these moments of denying yourself opportunities pile up and take a toll on you. For shy people, dreaming about the what if’s are a constant battle that eats away at them.
There are times when I would beat myself up over chances I’ve passed up from eons ago. They haunt me in my sleep!
I know I could be the star of the show, but I just settle for being a B+ player. And you know why that is? Because of fear.
Where does this fear of speaking up and showing off come from? For me, it all stems from a damaged self-esteem.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m okay with being good enough when I know I could do so much more.
Even if I am somewhat confident in my skills, there’s always something inside me that feels like I am simply not meant to be bigger. I tell myself that I’m not bad but I will never be extraordinary.
I’ve come to a point where I am so aware of my own mistakes that I’m always the first one to criticize everything I do.
Aside from that, I also suffer a lot from pretty bad imposter syndrome. Any moment now, I feel like people will finally catch on that I’m not as good as they make me out to be — that I’m simply a fraud.
It’s gotten so bad that most of the time, I don’t believe compliments and praise about myself and my work anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I’m okay receiving them but deep inside, they don’t really reassure me that I’m good.
This is usually the part in the article where I give some words of wisdom, but honestly I don’t have much to impart now. I feel like this problem has been cooking up my entire life, so it’s gonna take some time for me to nip this in the bud.
Although, what has been helping me is directly putting myself in the line of fire, so to speak. Sometimes before my mind even catches itself thinking, I already open my mouth to say something and let instinct take over.
Because the moment I let doubt seep into my brain, I curl back to my own little shell.
I know there are people who can relate to my experience too. Since this is such an “internal” problem, I think the only way we could get out of it is making the conscious everyday choices to keep the demon in our head quiet.
Who knows, maybe this is a problem that will never go away. But as long as we are able to keep our shyness from making choices that make us happy, we should be okay.
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Featured Image: Anna Shvets from Pexels
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