How to Avoid Toxic Positivity when Comforting a Friend

There’s always that one person who tells everybody to just stay positive in difficult times. Don’t be that person. We have to learn how to avoid toxic positivity. Because in a world that’s collapsing by the second, we can’t be happy all the time, Brenda. When people are literally dying everywhere from starvation, police brutality, and freakin’ coronavirus, you could say so much better things to help your friends and family feel better. Being happy all the time is not only apathetic, it’s actually unhealthy.

But hey, we’ve all been in a situation where we didn’t know what to say to someone sad. Even if we want to say something that isn’t a cliche, we can’t help but resort to the same ol’ empty phrases — “it’s okay”, “it’s going to be fine”, “just be happy”. And I think we’ve all been in on the other side of the conversation, hearing those words. Not a nice feeling.

Here are some ways on how to avoid toxic positivity when comforting a sad friend or anybody who is feeling under the weather.

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1. Tell them you need time to think of what to say.

Sometimes, we are caught off-guard with what our friend says. Or what they say is incredibly sad that we are at a loss for words. Then when the cue comes in for you to reply, you panic and say something useless. So instead of forcing yourself to reply, tell your friend that you need to digest the information first. Some people appreciate a well thought-out response over a quick reply that doesn’t add anything to the conversation. Relax, this isn’t a pop quiz.

Hold on. I’m forming my thoughts.

2. Just be with them.

There’s a good chance that lending your ear is already enough for your friend. They don’t need to be told that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, when they’d rather have a picnic in the storm. Great. You don’t have to keep telling them to be happy. They already know that it’s what they’re supposed to do! Being with them in person or through the phone is probably already helping them.

That sucks! How did you manage?

3. Process their negative feelings.

Don’t have a good grasp of how to avoid toxic positivity in conversations? Here’s a test. Ask yourself: did I just disregard all the negative things my friend just said? If the answer is yes, then that’s toxic positivity. An easy remedy would be to acknowledge their mood, and ask them how they currently feel. Figuring this out will help you maneuver the conversation. If your friend isn’t too bummed out about it anymore, then maybe you could talk about what they learned. Or if they’re still sad, then maybe you can say your thoughts on the matter.

I get where you’re coming from. How do you feel now?

4. Just be honest.

Now this is an item that can either make things better or worse, depending on the person you’re talking to. From my personal experience, there are times when my friend likes being told the truth. I would tell them if I thought what they did was stupid, and we’d have a good laugh about it. Hey, they have probably already thought that in their head, and it’s funny hearing it from other people.

But sometimes, your friend just wants you to side with them. Which is fine too, as long as you’re able to point out if they did anything stupendously wrong. Either way, when dealing with someone vulnerable, always comfort them in the kindest way possible.

Okay, here’s what I feel about it. I’m telling you this because I care about you.

5. Clarify the story.

Listening is an underrated skill. Before you give out advice, make sure that you completely understood all your friend’s points. Not only is it a great stalling technique to help you gather your thoughts, but it shows them that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. You’ll also be able to learn how heavily the issue is weighing on them.

So let me get this straight…

6. Ask what you can do for them.

Actions speak louder than words. So after your friend has poured their heart out, one of the best ways to comfort them is to simply ask them how. For everyone out there like me who has trouble expressing their concern in words, this is a great way to show care for your friend. If they don’t know what they need to feel better, then offer to do something for them: buy them a treat, watch a movie, etc.

What can I do to help you feel better?

7. Tell them you’ll be there for them. And mean it.

Most of the time, we don’t run to our friends to solve our problems. We run to them because we want comfort. Unfortunately, even if your friend feels better after you talk, it won’t guarantee that the days ahead will be sunny for them. So it’s good to reassure them that you’ll be by their side the next time they feel down. However, you have to be truthful when you say that, because the worst thing you could do is to not follow through with your promise.

You don’t have to be present all the time. I mean, we all have our own lives. But picking up their calls or reaching out to them will go a long way.

If something like this happens again, don’t hesitate to hit me up.

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See? There are more value-adding ways to be there for someone than just telling them to cheer up! Don’t worry, I’m still learning how to avoid toxic positivity myself. In essence, I think it’s good to remind ourselves that if there’s somebody that strikes a conversation with us, we want them to leave with something.

And more importantly, we have to stop with this mentality that we always have to be positive. The statement reeks of privilege that not everybody has. We are not on-screen personalities who have to keep up smiles 24/7 for the camera, and normalizing the presence of negative emotions in our lives is important, especially when our mental health is at stake.

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Featured Image: Ben White on Unsplash