There’s always that one person who tells everybody to just stay positive in difficult times. Don’t be that person. We have to learn how to avoid toxic positivity. Because in a world that’s collapsing by the second, we can’t be happy all the time, Brenda. When people are literally dying everywhere from starvation, police brutality, and freakin’ coronavirus, you could say so much better things to help your friends and family feel better. Being happy all the time is not only apathetic, it’s actually unhealthy.

But hey, we’ve all been in a situation where we didn’t know what to say to someone sad. Even if we want to say something that isn’t a cliche, we can’t help but resort to the same ol’ empty phrases — “it’s okay”, “it’s going to be fine”, “just be happy”. And I think we’ve all been in on the other side of the conversation, hearing those words. Not a nice feeling.

Here are some ways on how to avoid toxic positivity when comforting a sad friend or anybody who is feeling under the weather.

1. Tell them you need time to think of what to say.

Sometimes, we are caught off-guard with what our friend says. Or what they say is incredibly sad that we are at a loss for words. Then when the cue comes in for you to reply, you panic and say something useless. So instead of forcing yourself to reply, tell your friend that you need to digest the information first. Some people appreciate a well thought-out response over a quick reply that doesn’t add anything to the conversation. Relax, this isn’t a pop quiz.

Hold on. I’m forming my thoughts.

2. Just be with them.

There’s a good chance that lending your ear is already enough for your friend. They don’t need to be told that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, when they’d rather have a picnic in the storm. Great. You don’t have to keep telling them to be happy. They already know that it’s what they’re supposed to do! Being with them in person or through the phone is probably already helping them.

That sucks! How did you manage?

3. Process their negative feelings.

Don’t have a good grasp of how to avoid toxic positivity in conversations? Here’s a test. Ask yourself: did I just disregard all the negative things my friend just said? If the answer is yes, then that’s toxic positivity. An easy remedy would be to acknowledge their mood, and ask them how they currently feel. Figuring this out will help you maneuver the conversation. If your friend isn’t too bummed out about it anymore, then maybe you could talk about what they learned. Or if they’re still sad, then maybe you can say your thoughts on the matter.

I get where you’re coming from. How do you feel now?

4. Just be honest.

Now this is an item that can either make things better or worse, depending on the person you’re talking to. From my personal experience, there are times when my friend likes being told the truth. I would tell them if I thought what they did was stupid, and we’d have a good laugh about it. Hey, they have probably already thought that in their head, and it’s funny hearing it from other people.

But sometimes, your friend just wants you to side with them. Which is fine too, as long as you’re able to point out if they did anything stupendously wrong. Either way, when dealing with someone vulnerable, always comfort them in the kindest way possible.

Okay, here’s what I feel about it. I’m telling you this because I care about you.

5. Clarify the story.

Listening is an underrated skill. Before you give out advice, make sure that you completely understood all your friend’s points. Not only is it a great stalling technique to help you gather your thoughts, but it shows them that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. You’ll also be able to learn how heavily the issue is weighing on them.

So let me get this straight…

6. Ask what you can do for them.

Actions speak louder than words. So after your friend has poured their heart out, one of the best ways to comfort them is to simply ask them how. For everyone out there like me who has trouble expressing their concern in words, this is a great way to show care for your friend. If they don’t know what they need to feel better, then offer to do something for them: buy them a treat, watch a movie, etc.

What can I do to help you feel better?

7. Tell them you’ll be there for them. And mean it.

Most of the time, we don’t run to our friends to solve our problems. We run to them because we want comfort. Unfortunately, even if your friend feels better after you talk, it won’t guarantee that the days ahead will be sunny for them. So it’s good to reassure them that you’ll be by their side the next time they feel down. However, you have to be truthful when you say that, because the worst thing you could do is to not follow through with your promise.

You don’t have to be present all the time. I mean, we all have our own lives. But picking up their calls or reaching out to them will go a long way.

If something like this happens again, don’t hesitate to hit me up.

See? There are more value-adding ways to be there for someone than just telling them to cheer up! Don’t worry, I’m still learning how to avoid toxic positivity myself. In essence, I think it’s good to remind ourselves that if there’s somebody that strikes a conversation with us, we want them to leave with something.

And more importantly, we have to stop with this mentality that we always have to be positive. The statement reeks of privilege that not everybody has. We are not on-screen personalities who have to keep up smiles 24/7 for the camera, and normalizing the presence of negative emotions in our lives is important, especially when our mental health is at stake.

Featured Image: Ben White on Unsplash

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Raise your hand if you’ve been daydreaming about the apocalypse in a Zoom lecture.

In an article by YouGov last March, data journalist Jamie Ballard claims that 29% of Americans think that the apocalypse will happen in their lifetime. With the shitstorm that has happened since this article was published, I wouldn’t be surprised if this number has already spiked tenfold. So clearly, you are not alone in fantasizing (or realizing) that the world may be at its end.

If there’s anything that coronavirus has exposed, it’s how broken our systems are. It’s honestly been discouraging to see the world fall apart, just because some people choose to discriminate and even murder people based on one’s race, class, sexual orientation. It’s been discouraging when your democracy is constantly being threatened, and the men in power manage to pull hope further away.

For those of us lucky enough not to get hit by weapons though, we are getting brutally decimated in an equally dangerous place: the mind.

I’m sure most of us are experiencing a level of anxiety in the current situation that our country has placed us in. I took the time to read this great article by Valerie Strauss of The Washington Post, that shows how teachers can re-purpose their curriculum to adjust to the students’ mental needs. Obviously though, not all schools are going to end up doing this perfectly, and we also have to pull our weight too, so I thought I’d see how we can help ourselves adjust to the new normal for our education.

Here are some things to reduce anxiety for students and young professionals alike (just replace ‘teacher’ with ‘boss’):

1. Realize that routines have changed, even for your teacher.

Most of us probably had our own routines pre-quarantine, but given the new living conditions we are in where our home and school lives are almost inseparable, you get a free pass! But, the same thing can be said for our teachers, who are all still getting used to teaching in front of a screen. Their lives have probably also shifted too, so don’t forget to empathize.

2. Be open to communicating with your teacher.

Help your teacher help you by addressing the elephant in the room. Not feeling well? Having family problems? Send an e-mail. The worst thing you can do is force yourself to attend an online lecture when you feel like you are mentally crumbling inside. Keep your fingers crossed that your professor will understand you.

3. Talk it out with your friends.

Maintaining strong relationships is more important than ever. It might be a given, but please process your thoughts with friends. Tell them what’s bothering you, because you know what? They might be feeling the same way as you! Schedule Netflix parties, do online game nights, or whatever you like to do together. There’s more to life than online classes

4. Reconnect with people from your past.

And no, I’m not talking about rekindling an old flame. I’m talking about your friend from six years ago that you had never spoken a word to in God knows how long, but still likes your Instagram posts. Feeling like you have a strong support system helps you feel more empowered, and the catch-up sessions you’ll have with them can provide a really good distraction.

5. Surround yourself with positive news.

Unfortunately, the algorithms that run our social media accounts force us to read through content that our friends share, which are more likely than not, bad news. Somewhere out there though, something good is happening to someone. Just Google “good news”, and you’ll have so many uplifting stories to lessen the pain from reading the news.

6. Know that you can help.

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re useless in all this chaos. But you should know that you can always spread awareness through your socials, educate your friends, sign petitions, and donate. The worst thing you can do in a crisis is be apathetic. Don’t be that person!

7. Learn history.

Whether it’s a health pandemic, a peaceful revolution, or a civil rights movement, the important thing to realize is that there were victories in our history. And since history likes to repeat itself, we’ll probably win some time.

8. Express yourself creatively.

Truth of the matter is, not all of us are comfortable talking about problems with other people. With that said, it’s time to bring out the paintbrushes gathering dust in your room, or start your dreams of becoming a Youtube/podcast star. This is the time to channel your anger in a productive way, now that extracurricular activities have slowed down.

9. Take a break.

Don’t be afraid to disconnect once in a while, and prioritize your well-being. For my college friends out there, always know that you have cuts that you can maximize. If the news or your online classes are taking a toll on you, do something mindless. Only after having taken care of yourself, can you really perform at your best and help out other people

I realize that the tips above do not have a lot to do with actual studying, but you know what, being at the right state of mind is more than half the battle. It’s just like an athlete needing a full sleep cycle the night before a big game. So try and hack your brain a little by incorporating the feeling of security in your daily life. Your mind will thank you for it!

Featured Image: Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels

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